Farewell

For a while.
I need my peace of mind, I need a break. Probably done with this blog for a while. Probably done with this life for a while. Who knows. I'm re-evaluating things. Don't expect much from me anymore. I'm feeble and tired. Too tired for relationships in my life anymore. I don't care enough to fix anything because if they are broken in the first place, they're not meant to be, correct? I don't know, and it really sounds like I'm being cynical but I'm not. I've just come to conclusion on alot of things and I'm okay with acceptance. I need a new thing (person, rather) to vent to, other than this silly blog. It's not going anywhere. I have people, new people that want to get to know me here that want to hear my stories and listen, genuinely listen to what I have to say. People that I feel could care about me, and if not it's a risk I'm willing to take. I can't live and express myself to the cyber world. It's a one-way relationship, this venting. I feel like I have nothing left that's worth explaining anymore, not on here anyway. I've got a whole new life to explore and I am more than eager. Can't waste my time anymore on these pointless mental excursions. Definitely when I could be making them with someone. I'm moving on. And in the end of it all, everything happens for a reason. Kind of like my life and how it coordinates with this blog. The next sequence of events usually predict how this thing works, right?
Goodbye, unfortunate target that had to put up with my bullshit, whiny ranting.



God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Permanent, Spermament

what does permanent mean? Never knew it. You'll come and go like seasons.
They always do.

Doesn't matter.

I roll dolo.

Need you like a hole in my head.

ALMOST THERE <3

Opinions are like assholes

we've all got one. I've got a sick mind and a healthy appetite for crunching on some people right about now. Just don't ask me for my opinion on things, ever. If you want the truth and nothing but the truth. That's all.
And if you ever smell of sauerkraut, do not step near me.
Just some reminders. These are a few things that seem to be lingering around me lately. Oh but hey!
"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. bright copper kettles, and warm woolen mittens, brown paper packages tied up with strings these are a few of my favorite things!"

Gotta bite the bullet

gotta bite the bullet gotta bite bullet gotta bite the bullet gotta bite the bullet.
I keep telling myself that. I need to exercise. All I do are these little projects and make videos of meaningless shit. It's convient though, and this garbage is occupying my brain like it needs to do so my mind doesn't wander too far. Which we know can be dangerous. Can't do shit. There are no jobs out there (even my new dentist agreed with this, he told me to go to school instead of trying to rough it and work), and the ones I'd even consider require a degree and I'm not up to par yet. Not even close. Until I get my car, I can't even do what people my age do. Not saying I want to be a basket case like everyone else. I just want to be able to cut loose. I need independence. I strive to piss excellence. I can't even join the Army as once planned. They discriminate against braces. Bastards. Wasn't going to happen anyway, we both can't be in the military. It's tough as it is now. What am I saying anymore? Don't ask me. Yo, Brandon get outta my brains. You're starting to seep out of my pores.


On some real shit, gonna start shopping here:
www.teextile.com

Looze lips

Dude. I never know what the hell is going on with anything, anymore.
Haha it's so funny to think about I really am a spec of dust in this world. My shits getting lined up though. Should wrap things up here about March. Hopefully. I will what am I talking about, I'm determined to the max. Going to see familiar faces, which brings me to familiar places. Things will heal. I'm almost there. Coursing through my veins. Coffee express. Everything is pretty awesome right now though. I can't complain at all. Wearing shorts, getting my tan on in December. I bet you can't say you're doing that. I've got cool shit going on, college campus bulimia. Stiggity stoked on that. Then in a matter of months, back to the roots, with you :) Yeah, you. We all know you read this.
Oh yeah, listening to the radio,which I haven't done in like eons. I'm not a radio person like I used to be. Lame. It takes me back to 1999.
Totally miss this bear;

170 days

was the last time I was complete. The last time I breathed fresh air. The last time I felt loved and felt untouchable. Happiness was included. ___ days until I have it all back again. You, me, us. The whole damn thing. Never wanted anything more, never craved such a thing. We will be together, I believe you. My love for you is eternal.

Sweet angel of mine.

Different strokes for different folks

Best damn thing that's happened to me in a while. I look at him and he makes life worth living.
(And yes, I plan on having on of these little fellas sooner than later. In case you were wondering.)

There's more where that came from :)

Thank goodness

for oxygen?
I mean without that, I totally would not be here. All the hardship, all the pain and suffering, this ache, it's all about to come to a motha fuckin' end. It's Thanksgiving, nothing out of the ordinary going on around here. All these years pass, even with my family now, distance is the evil catalyst to hatred in our hearts. Well, for some people. I'm away from my father today, and I'm loving it. So is Joe, so he's alone. Alone, lonely, and single. I am none of the above, I have my soul, my soul mate, my common sensed heart and my mind and my salvation. And even though this is probably the roughest Thanksgiving yet, and it is, it could be a lot worse. I could be with my "father". I am accepting everything about this day for what it is and I've turned it into something amazing. I have the ability to do that now. It's quiet refreshing. I'm living with no fears now, coming back to my love, taking a foot forward and some back but it's thrilling knowing I have someone to share struggles with and possibly not have struggles. At the end of the day, I am a cool person. Level-headed once again, I have people that love me. And just like she told me last night, I'll look back a year from now saying the same thing as last year, thinking "I never saw myself here in this moment."
She's right.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Nevermind.

This is probably the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life.
My father constantly verbally beating me down and I really hate saying this on a public site, but I have to get it out. It hurts so bad. I tried so hard, so hard to bite my tongue and hang in until I could get on my feet. I gave it everything, but I gotta pack my shit and go. Go so far away. Get my shit done, I'm already so close. It's not worth it. It's too personal. I need something to complete me again, I haven't been genuinely "happy" since I left VA in June. There's something to be said about that. It sucks this is what it takes for me to be a strong person. get attacked every day, threatened to the point of no turn. I'm so fucked up. This pain is irreversible.
Being beat down every day, told you're worthless, humiliated.
This is not how it was supposed to be.
I hate him now.
It's official.
I know where my heart lies, and I've been fighting for it since day one. I'm making the move. It's either that or I'll die of depression.
I know where to find happiness, so I'm packing my bags tonight.
Never looking back.
Goodbye, sperm donor.

If a star fell everytime I thought about you, the moon would be one lonely fella

The sun's rays don't bother me
No they cast down such a wonderful heat
Masking beauty
By a terrible fate
If you fly to close and then you turn too late
The night still confuses me
We'd all get tired and have to sleep eventually
Regardless of the sun's demands
Regardless if it made much sense
You moved so far that I know how far
And then you got so sad that I, I bought a car
Yes I'll come get you
And I will bring you home
I'll come get you
And I will bring you home
He sat me down
He said he was incomplete
He thinks true love's gonna get him back on his feet
He said you only find love once in your life
So I guess when you find it
You're gonna hold it right
You'll hold it right
It makes no sense
Cos there's no sense in it at all
We all wait around
We wait for you to get tired and fall
As your shadow it resumes in me
Yes your shadow it was made for me
She speaks clearly
He speaks loudly
I speak only clearly loudly
Yes she speaks clearly
He speaks loudly
I speak only clearly loudly
Yeah my shadow well it resumes with me
Yes my shadow well it was made for me
She told me love will come once in your life
So I guess when you find it
You're gonna hold it right
You're gonna hold it right
You hold it right
You moved so far that I knew exactly how far
And then you got so sad that I, I bought a car
Yes I'll come get you
And I will bring you home
I'll come get you
And I will bring you home
I'll come get you
And I'll say
Welcome home

I'm always talking...

but my lips never move.
Maybe that's why you never hear me. I want more than anything to have back what was mine? Or was it? We all get a little selfish. Maybe my time is up. You're not mine, I wish you were. I lost that insurance when I left. I just want the simple things, where you hold me, and tell me how much you love me. That's it. I'm so beyond this.
My brain is all rattled up, a million pieces of me are scattered all over the damn place. I need your guidance, your voice pushing me. I want passionate romance with you. I want it all to be so effortless. I ask for too much. You know me too well. I want the truth and all of it. I'm ready for life with you.I'm ready to tackle the world, with you right by my side. I want more memories with you. I need a savior in this desperate disaster. I just want to have what was. I'm stuck in the past is the problem. This is not brain surgery. Bottom line: I'm not living a life and I honestly from the bottom of my soul and heart feel I'll never reach dharma without you. And I know my words don't prove it.
I never was one with words.

Completely and utterly

exhausted.
Not exaggerating here.
Never been more worked in my life.
Slave to the money and you die.
Haha watch it go down that way too.
Work for it, then watch it float away.
I have one gold wall now, and 3 white walls.
An accent wall?
No one gives a shit about accents.
I wanted the whole fuckin thing gold.
I don't care how gaudy it looked. Or crazy.
It got your attention didn't?
He's not going to boss me around all damn day, order me around, be his bitch, AND tell me how to decorate MY room.
No sir-e. Not going to happen.
My mental state is out the window, so is everything else.
Got nothing to lose anymore.
Ready for my shit to get rolling.
Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

You figured me out

like I should know the back of my hand.
But I haven't the slightest clue about that.
It just goes to show, you see yourself through other people.
I love you, Brandon Allen Holder.
It's funny how you can do all the researching, all the background checks, all the hard investigating.
None of it matters.
You fell into my lap.
It was pure luck.
What a feeble, a fortune.
This is what the average joe looks for his whole life.
I have it at such a tender age.
I know exactly what to do.
It all runs together like that canal with the dead amphibians I saw.
Except it was all in my dream.
This is most certainly not a dream.
You know every line I say, every line I think but isn't actually mine.
You know it all.
Cheers.
To the rest of our lives together.
Your plan is brilliant beyond brilliant.
I'm sooooo there.

Stuck in this sweet surrender

This is becoming draining.




I need you.
I want you.
I have to have you.
I don't have you.
But I do have pumpkin spice eggnog, the beach, and some pretty sweet nusenses.
But what good is it all when you don't have someone to share it with?
I'm coming you, I'm not waiting for you to come to me.
It isn't going to happen.
Just wait for me.