Buttermilk is back!

So,I wasn't "myself" for a while.I know this because I live my life everyday.
I'm sick of people telling me how much they missed me,or how much I've "changed".
But,if that were the case,how come none of those people never did anything?I never once got a phone call from people that say they care,or a visit from anyone.I could've been dead for all you know,and I wish I was,but that's all over and done with now.I mean,you cared so much,but when I needed you the most you definitely weren't there.Off lolly gagging I suppose,doesn't bother me.I let someone get the best of me over the past couple of weeks,gave someone my all,my whole heart.Another disappointment,nothings changed.What can I say?I haven't even really changed,for the better at least.And that's what these drugs do,they convince me that I have changed into a better person,except in all honesty,I'm better off without all of that shit.All they do is distract me from what isn't changing in a vast manner.That's why I do what I do,and don't give two fucks about myself.Why should I,no one else does.I guess it truly is a matter of opinion."Life is what you make it".Yadda yadda.I'm in a sinking ship that's already sunken but I can't seem to get out of the water.I fool myself everyday,but no one's buying it.I know this because I see the way people look at me and see right through what I've become.Only thing is,I have no reason,no motive to stop.If I can't do it for my mom,my family,my "friends" or myself,then why should I?I'm not harming anyone or anything therefore what was I doing wrong?And call me crazy,but I haven't died,so exactly what was I doing wrong?Nothing,that's what.You're just apprehensive and worried because all my flaws make you look bad,make this government look bad.Well,too bad.That damn sure isn't enough for me to stop now,but I am.Just for my own sake,because I have realized something.If it weren't for me,I wouldn't have anyone.Including my mother.Fuck em.Fuck em all.I'm the person that I'm dying with,might as well start getting used to all this negative and disappointing people in my life.The only way for me to make it better is if I change things,you can't rely or wait on anyone else to do so.
So,no more lies,no more let downs,no more drugs.
I can assure you that,because I actually want to change now.
Why?I still haven't figured that out,all I know is I'm too young to die,I haven't explored enough of this world even though my body feels like I'm 60.
I'll figure it out someday,and have a reason to live.
But for now,I have to get myself together and I will.