I wanna make you holla and scream my name

I'm so down and out.So,I'm writing another entry in the same day because I feel like I missed something.Or I'm trying to find the light in some sticky situation.Yes,I am sick of doing what I do everyday.Yes,I need to get over you and myself.Yes,I wish things were different between us,and my life for that matter.No,I am not getting anything done while bitching and moaning about how l wish things were fine and dandy.I just want to live my life the way I intended to.How does one do that with such a feeling of hate,anguish,disgust,and downright misery?I just want to know that I have some reassurance in the midst of all of this.I want someone to hold my hand,and tell me I'm not a bad person for being honest with myself.At least,I am making a conscience effort to change.Then again,I'm not.I need a new coping mechanism,cause honey,let me just tell you this shit is getting stale and it's sucking the life out of me.You have no idea.Ha,I don't think you ever had an idea,you were too worried about yourself.All it is is contradictory and discrimination.This is not a hate crime,suck it up.Love one another.If only it were that simply.I'm thinking.And I'm thinking I want to spend my life with someone that "completes" me and what have you.Eh,I want someone to wake up to every morning,and actually makes me excited to wake up and makes me feel like I have something to live for.I want someone that laughs at my corny jokes just to let me believe I am humorous and an asshole,but really thinks I'm a moron.I want unconditional love.The kind you see in those Home Improvement magazines.Everything is magnified to perfection.I know it CAN be realistic if you want it bad enough.Don't tell me otherwise,I've seen the In's and outs of love,and it is possible.I want someone that will do little dances and make silly noises with me when I'm afraid or anxious on the way to my internship.I want someone tough but at the same time extremely sensitive and needs to be nourished with some good TLC.Someone that actually like,authentically likes to watch chic flicks with me on the couch when I'm sick as a dog,sneezing all over them.But they won't care,because it's the little things about me they will love,just as much as I love them.I want to flip through catalogs and brag about buying our dream house with cute gardens and flowers with a white picket fence.We'll make the neighbors think we're that picture-perfect couple but only we know,we have issues that get resolved within ten minutes,because we can't stand to be mad at each other and see the other hurt.We'll take about babies while you'll want that new Mac computer,and I'll want my 50 G's new Lexus.We'll be those businessmen with uptight busy-pants dropping schedules,and even get hit on by nerds.But we know,at the end of the day,we are the only ones we want to be with,and be in love with.We'll talk about how our parents drive us boombazookajoe with the whole marriage yadda yadda and wish they would just have a heart attack already,cause they're getting old anyway.We'll laugh when you spill coffee on your nicely ironed work shirt in the morning.and you're rushing out the door.I'll smile at you before we go to bed every night,and tell you how much I love having someone like you in my life.And how extremely fortunate I am,and you'll repeat it back.We'll be that goofy and unbelievable intriguing couple and have that love everyone wishes they did.And we will encourage it,because at one point we know we were in their shoes and wished for the same thing.We will have our fights,and piss each other off to no end,and most likely you'll be sleeping on the couch,and I'll be in our big comfy king sized bed,then feel bad for you,and eventually give in to that puppy face.We will grow old together and tell each other stories about our first date,every memory,and watch our kids have kids and be wrinkly grandparents.We will tell each other how cute we are,and how there's no one better in the world for us.And have "i love you more"battles.Which I most definitely will win,because you love me.And you will do whatever I want,just because you know how great it makes you feel to see me happy.
So how's that for a future life?
:)