I am colorblind;Coffee black and Egg white

I feel preoccupied lately,which is a good thing.But for all the wrong reasons,and how I'm handling things isn't necessarily the best manner.Blowing tons of mu la on tons of things today at MacArthur mall was not a very responsible thing.But it was mommy's money!And in some weird way,we actually have money to blow.Don't ask,unless you know me personally.No,we didn't rob a bank or anything like that,it's pretty much just death money,and we no longer feel guilt for various reasons.No one gets it,but him :( that makes me utterly sad.You have no idea.I guess though I do feel fulfilled,but not how I'd please.For one,I went on a shopping splurge with mum at H&M,Charlotte Russe,and many other store,and not to mention my Hello Kitty fetish has gotten me nowhere.I have all these luxurious things,and I still feel empty.It just goes to prove:money can't buy happiness.That's exactly why I do,and always have hated money.No joke.I'm the type of girl that can have a few nice things and just be happy with that,and it doesn't take much to please me at all.I'll laugh at your corny jokes,and I give so much love.I'm probably one of the few girls you see out there that has such a big heart and a shit load to offer.Really,I could tell you it all,and you still wouldn't know half of it.So,what's missing?
"The boy"?I guess.I mean.no one can take his place,of course,but all I'm asking is for someone to just make me happy and give me that spark,and make me laugh.That's it.I just want to be genuinely,authentically happy,and actually say it and have meaning.I'm beginning to think that's too much to ask for.
On a lighter note,I'm extremely happy with myself as far as appearance and whatnot goes.And all this busyness and excitement over the little things has gotten me pooped,and I feel semi teen again.For a moment there,I started to feel so much more mature and older as a person.My everyday life is just one episode to the next.Honestly,it is.If only you knew everything I go through,and I'm sure others have it 10X's as worse and I'm not saying pity me or any of that rubbish,but I'm starting to give myself a break here and there and just credit myself.With that said,I am most certainly going to take advantage of my youth while I have it.And endure every experience like there's no tomorrow.Wait,I already do that.Whatever.I seriously can not wait to see Ryan.Only about 3 more months :)! omgomgomgomgomg it's going to be ridiculous,I may even shed a tear,just maybe.I've been waiting patiently and as silly as it sounds,I am faithful to what we have,and I am sooo ready to just be with him and let him have all the itsy bitty pieces of me and we're definitely just going to dominate.Oh boy,I smile every time I remind myself.It's surreal,going out of the country to visit someone,a stranger at that.Not a stranger,I'm kidding,you get the idea.I just might piss my pants when that day comes.