Just my luck

As each day progresses I've been getting more and more confident(which is a real booster,since it went down recently),and just noticing the small things.I'm learning to love me.Honestly.But there is always that one thing that bothers me-body image.Something that I'm never going to be completely content or comfortable with.It's so fucking stupid,I know,but for some reason I'm afraid to have curves,nonetheless be curvy or "sexy" and "vulumputious" although vulumputious to me,just means thick and big boned.Eh,I can't pin point it,but I feel better just having this 10 year old boy body.It's what makes me me.I frankly couldn't handle being "womanly".I don't care how that sounds either.Even if boys want that,then oh well.They can settle for something else.It's this constant battle I've had to deal with for a while and it's not going to change.No matter how hard I distract my mind and occupy myself.It never ends.It's like I almost feel like starvation is my way of suffering and contribution to the world.It may sound freaky and inhuman to most people,but it really does make me sleep better at night,knowing I skipped a meal and can feel the flesh off my bones deteriorating.I like being small.And when I lie in bed listening to the echo of what you hear as a tummy growl,I just have to remind myself,"you're not hungry,you're just losing fat."And that's what keeps me going.It's hard to explain.Another thing,I almost feel as if I don't want to go there anymore.Don't ask me where.I won't tell you.I don't know how to break the news,but I've made up my mind,I'd rather just spend my last few months here,with him.Oh damn,it doesn't even matter.Crystal can't sly her way out of this one.I'm practically forced to go,mum already got tickets,and I can't just bail on her like that.And,it is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing.
UGH.asdfgjkl;
HIGHLIGHT TO TOP IT ALL OFF:
My aunt's ex husband passed away today?
Wow.Don't know how to feel about that one.Like I know it's a horrible thing and all,but I really don't want apologies,or pity.I wasn't even that close to the guy.Plus,they were getting a divorce,he was cruel.I just feel bad for that baby they have.Poor thing.So,you can only predict,me and mom are off to Florida soon enough(AGAIN) for a funeral.
Gah.Why is everyone around me just...dying?